Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
