is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
