you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
