So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
