It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
