Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
