Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
