i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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