yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
