No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
