I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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