The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
