Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
