Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
