I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
