3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
