listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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