I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think I died a long time ago.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
