you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
