i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
