Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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