I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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