He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
