Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
