He had one of those small greek statue penises
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
