I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
