We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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