from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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