I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
