I like my sex mixed with concussions.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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