So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
