I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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