I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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