I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
