Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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