he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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