Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
