my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
