Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
