That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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