Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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