How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
