are you still at the devil's house?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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