You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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