If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
tonight lets celebrate not being married
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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