I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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