Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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