i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
