My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Your penis caused this!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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