I hate all girls vehemently.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
