i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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