I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
