JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Another day, another engagement, another cat
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
