I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He felt like a one man threesome
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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