I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
