She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
