I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
