he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
